Current mood:

uncomfortable

Feels like I've been away a lot longer than a year. Maybe that is related to what brings me back. A blast from the past. I hadn't seen her in 6 years, hadn't talked in 5. That is as long than the whole thing lasted in the first place. Doesn't feel like it though.

Lot has happened in the last year. Happier now. Got Promoted, again. Got a good Raise, again. I am kinda at the top now, atleast as far as my profession goes. Director of IT. Can't really get promoted any higher in this field, for this company. Think I am ok with that for a while. Would like more money... but I can't complain, and it will come eventually. Company is very dependent on me. They aren't afraid to risk things and deal with repercussions to get rid of someone, they've proven that, so it's not like I couldn't get fired no matter what I did, but it would certainly take a lot. I think I would have to push it, and since I like this place, that isn't gonna happen. Like this place a lot actually.

She surprises me. I suppose it's too early to really say she has truly changed, but I think she has. This is unexpected. Many things change, some never do. That's what I've said to her, but it applies in a couple ways I think. I can still read her fairly well. Not as well as I once did I think but still. Certain things work the same way, she responds the say way as she always did to certain things, still likes many of the same things. We haven't really gotten physical, a little, but not much. This also surprises me. In the past I think by the second night we would have spent the night together. She feels much the same, her body and the way it responds to me is very, very familiar... but good... feels nice. At the same time, her conscious reactions are different, almost contrary to her physical ones.... this is completely unexpected... and mabye a little confusing. In the past it was always very easy to slip back into a rhythm with her. I can tell she is fighting that, but feeling it too. Again this is unexpected.

I open my fortune cookie today and it says "A new relationship is about to blossom. You will be blessed." At first I smile and chuckle, I save it intending to show her, but after several minutes I keep looking at it and get this ominous feeling. I know it's just a dumb fortune cookie, but at the same time, I think am afraid it's right. Afraid? Yes... but also not. But all that isnt' taking into account the second part. I will be blessed? The girl I remember... that wouldn't be a blessing. Combined with how things are very different so far, and how certain things are so familiar, makes a disorienting set of circumstances. If she was the same as always, I would know what to do, how to feel, I could handle that. This just puts me off balance and... vulnerable. I haven't felt that in a very very long time.

You will be blessed.

Is it possible? Can't be..... right?